So I have finally decided to do something about my food/beer
baby that is growing at rapid speed. Not only have I fucked over my body with my
overindulgence but also my willpower and motivation. I want to lose 4 stone
which I know is a stupid amount of weight however it needs to be done. It won’t
take a few months. I am expecting that it will take me the best part of a year
to lose this amount of weight. I am willing to commit to this as I do want to
change my life. I want to be able to tie the laces on my converse with ease and
I want to be able to sit comfortably in my car without my big fat belly
touching the steering wheel (depressing right?) I also do not want to be the
butt of any more fat/chubby jokes. There is only so many times that you can say
‘Yeah I maybe fat but I can change my weight, you can’t change how ugly your
face is bitch’ before you just sound like a complete twat.
Anybody who has known me since my teenage years knows my
secret, that I am a fat skinny person. Throughout my teens my weight was never
an issue. I always a tiny size 6 and this was due to regular PE lessons (which
by the way I was shit at) and a dance class once a week. I had no boobs and to
be honest I was never that bothered by that. I was more worried about my face,
gaunt looking with glasses and braces. I was most defiantly not a catch. This
was my issue, the thing I hated most about myself. As I got to 16 the braces
came off and contact lenses replaced my much hated glasses and my face started
to fill out. Soon enough PE lessons were
a thing of the past and I decided that I was too cool to do tap dancing and
this equalled no exercise. Since then I have battled with my weight. I have
gone from a size 8 to a size 12 back to a size 8 and then in one year I went
from a healthy looking size 12 to a size 16, the biggest that I had ever
been. This came at the time that I left
at University, was unemployed and 150 miles away from my boyfriend. Food was my
friend. Instead of talking about how I felt, I ate my feelings. When my
boyfriend broke up with me in 2011 I was fat and miserable. I was weighing 13
stone and struggling to get into size 16 clothes. In January of this year my
friend announced that she was getting married in 6 weeks and I was to be a
bridesmaid. The thought of standing next to 3 stunning, skinny bridesmaids made
me feel sick with fear. I would look huge. My size 16 dress also would not do
up. So I got off my fat arse, joined a gym and ate very little. For the wedding
my size 16 dress fitted and I was bordering on a size 14. I had lost a stone
and a half! I was beyond happy although I was still a lot fatter than my gorgeous
friends. Since February I have put all that weight back on and more and now I am
a very chubby size 18 weighing in at a whopping 14 stone. (Pure shame)
Last
week I looked in the mirror one evening and just burst into tears. My face was
covered in spots, I had massive bags under my eyes and I was sporting at least
3 chins. I felt disgusting. It was then that something clicked in my head. I
was an adult and I had to start behaving like one. A responsible adult does not
eat themselves into an early grave. The amount of calories I consume in a day
is redonkulous and not only is it showing on the outside but it is starting to
affect my health. I cannot walk far without getting hot and out of breath and I feel
so sluggish and tired. I do not want to be the chubby one anymore. I
want to be just beautiful as my friends and feel happy with myself. However I
am not stupid. I know that looking good is not the key happiness, money is! I’m
joking. I have the most amazing family,
some beautiful and supportive group of friends, a nice little job, a lovely
flat and a busy social life. I feel that the one thing missing right now is
feeling good about my body.
So the battle of the bulge starts here today.
Wish me luck!
x
About the Author
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3 comments
Sounds like you mean business hun, good luck, I'm with you all the way!
ReplyDeleteYou have inspired me to get back on the health wagon. I don't really want to diet, I just want to drastically reduce my carb intake which worked well for me at the beginning of the year. I have plenty of veg at the mo with the old lottie, so got no excuse! Just made a cracking good beetroot soup (see instagram for gratuitous pre-roasted beetroot shot).
I admire you for getting down the gym this weekend, I don't think I will ever make it in a gym until I am at least 4 stone lighter - ironic? I love swimming and did it everyday in the sea in Turkey when we were out there a few weeks ago, but I can't bring myself to expose my undisguised body down the local pool!
I can dig up the allotment for hours at a time, and I should cycle more cause it is easier on the knees (sad thing for a 29 yr old to say). But I just find it so embarrassing that my head gets all red and sweaty, sweaty hair is not a good look.
Surprisingly I am more confident and happy in myself as I get older. I've never been skinny, as a teenager I was only ever a size 14 (I would be really happy with being that size now) and always thought I was huge back then (mainly due to being bullied) and didn't know how to dress my odd 'apple' body shape. But now I know what suits me, and know that being intelligent and working hard isn't a fault. Although I have moments of thinking I look fat and ugly as we all do, the times I really feel disgusted with myself is when I do any exercise - like working on the allotment, cycling, walking fast to catch a train, or dancing in a bar or club with friends and I get red in the face and sweaty hair. that's what really makes me want to lose weight, so I can do exercise and enjoy it rather than feeling self conscious. It is a vicious circle I need to break!
This started off being a quick hello, but I seemed to have garbled on for a bit, miss you loads, you used to make my laugh so much
Jess xxx
make ME laugh so much, I mean!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess. I have had so many lovely messages from people and they all say they want to change things about their body and it makes me feel like I am not alone in this. I am going to do a post on the Paul Mckenna book 'I can make you thin' as this is what I have been following rather than dieting. And it's bloody worked so far.
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly the same as you love about exercise at the start of the year. The thought of going to the gym scared the shit out of me. But i went and i hated it for the first week and then when i could see results it spured me on to go more. One evening i said to my friend 'I'm the fattest one in this gym...it's embarrassing' She said 'Well at least you are in the gym...think of all the people that are sitting on their arses doing nothing about being overweight.' That has stuck with me and whenever i feel self conscious! You can do it Jess. Maybe when im next back in essex we should meet up and go to a class?
You are so lovely and gorgeous and I do miss our puzzler times!
xxxx