Therapy
Disclaimer: This is something I had to write down. It was like therapy, getting all these feelings out and sharing them. I was unsure whether to include it on here as it may seem a bit self indulgent. However it is a blog about me! So what the hell. If I have fat pictures on here then I can have some emotional shiz too! It is lengthy but don't feel the need to read if it really doesn't interest you!
Hello my name is Jen and I am
addicted to food. Some people’s vices are cigarettes, some are alcohol, and
others are gambling and spending money. Mine is food. The thing with an
addiction to food is that you can’t go cold turkey. You need food to survive. Placing a bet on Paddy Power does not fuel your body, and neither does smoking 20 Benson and
Hedges a day. I am not addicted to all foods though, just the bad kinds.
MacDonald’s, KFC, Chow Mein and deep fried chicken balls, creamy kormas with
mounds of rice, pasta with cheese and garlic bread, chocolate cake, cheesecake,
twirls, crunchies, malteasers, fried egg sandwiches and so on. Basically
anything that contains a stupid amount of fat or sugar.
My obsession with food began in
my third year of university when I discovered that I could kind of cook.
Healthy stir fry’s and the odd curry then turned into mounds of unhealthy
options. I started to notice that my size 10/12 figure was paying the price for
the awesome steaks I had been consuming. By the time I left university I was a
large size 14 and the biggest I had ever been. Living away from my boyfriend
and being unemployed was difficult. Depression set in and I would fill my days lying
in bed watching Waking the Dead (Boyd is the ultimate maverick) and eating bags
upon bags of crisps. I would have a cooked lunch and dinner and would snack all
evening long. I ate my feelings and I had a lot of feelings. Instead of doing something
about my weight, I just continued to eat. Once I started working my weight
levelled off and I stopped gaining weight. I was unhappy with my weight but I
had a man that told me daily he loved me for me and not for my fat size 16 arse
(my words, not his) so everything was all good.
In spring 2011 my boyfriend left
me and once again food took over. Instead of talking about how devastated I was
I just consumed a ridiculous amount of fosters and stuffed my face. Food rarely
let me down (alcohol always did!) and it made me happy for the moment it was on
my lips. Afterwards I would feel even more upset and shameful that I had let
myself to become overweight. I know why he left me and it wasn’t because I was
fat however for a long time I believed this to be the case. Eventually I started to think about my food intake and for a while it was under control. I replaced nights in binging with evenings out socialising and doing puzzlers really helped! (Still fricken love them buggers) My Mum and dad were both a big help and would never buy snack foods
and would always cook healthy and fresh meals. When I moved away from home
though I was completely in control and the bad eating habits re surfaced. The
feelings of rejection and the emotions I felt about the break up resurfaced and
it was hard to control my feelings.
A friend’s wedding early this
year forced me to address my weight. I did not want to be a fat bridesmaid. I
had spoken before about losing weight and going on a diet so I couldn’t really
blame people for not believing I could fit into a size 14 bridesmaid dress.
Some of the negative comments made about my ‘challenge’ really spurred me on.
For once I was using other people’s negative attitude as motivation rather than
an excuse to cry and feel sorry for myself. I used an email sent by the
ex as motivation, looking at before the gym and taking out all my anger on the
cross trainer and rowing machine. The weight started to drop and so did my
feelings towards him. I lost a stone and a half and my size 16 bridesmaid dress
fitted with room to spare. The gorgeous Bride and all four of her bridesmaids
looked shit hot that day (Bunch of G’s). It was a real turning point in my life
and I think if I had stuck to the diet after the wedding I would currently be
near my target weight. Instead a busy social life got in the way and a beer
belly developed and I piled all the weight back on plus another half a stone. I
feel really disappointed that this happened but I know that I can lose the
weight and this motivation in itself.
For the most part I am happy with my life and that’s what makes me eat also, contentment. I like my job and my flat and I have the most amazing group of friends. I eat when I am sad and I eat when I am happy, that is the problem. I am not happy about being 14 stone and a size 18. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel repulsed by my figure. I know that not only do I need to lose weight that I need to start using food for its purpose and not as a solution to my problems. I need to develop a healthy relationship with food. Food does not fix problems, talking about them does. So I know now I need to do more talking and less eating.
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| image courtesy of happyclippings.com |
Peace Out
x
About the Author
1 comments
Eat when I'm happy, Eat when I'm sad, I'm just the same. Wish I was one of those people who lose weight when they're under stress!
ReplyDeleteJessx xxx